![]() ![]() ![]() Robert Crumb is a successful comic book illustrator. The Crumb Effect is crushing self hatred that leads to self annihilation, suicide. The Crumb Effect is my theory of what happens to a schizophrenic when they realize the horror of their disabled state, especially, when they compare themselves to others who do not suffer from a mental illness. On Risperdal, I'm closer to schizophrenia in its natural form. I don't have to take drugs to derange my mental state and experience a high of creativity, all I have to do is change the medication I'm on and use something that doesn't work so good. And they give you a taste of hell and damnation and lies. That's why it is in psychosis that the demons come to visit. I believe psychosis is partially a spiritual state. For instance, I have never had so many memories of walking in the sunshine as when I was on that drug or on no drugs at all. When I was on Risperdal, making my drawings, I felt so alive. I suppose since they ask this question of my minister, they want to know God and how God fits into their life, - I think they ask because they are feeling especially close or alienated from God. Existence is so pregnant, so ripe, so immediate for them, that they ask the same question to the minister in different ways what is the meaning of my life? No other age cares so much. They want so desperately for their life to have meaning, that they see things in terms of life and death. My minister said that at a certain age, around the end of the teen years, the youngsters want their life to have meaning. To put everything on the line, to live only for, the making of one painting. It would certainly add one more twist to the video documentary of the making of Adoration of the Magi. Of course I've not discussed any of this yet with my husband, not my therapist, nor my medication provider. And while on it, I had the energy to run. But I lived on that minuscule dose of Risperdal for over a year. I remember a lot of energy, a lot of boughts of paranoia, and then crushing suicidal feelings around Christmas time that drove me into the hospital. Trouble with Risperdal is that eventually I was hospitalized while on it. I'm afraid that once I lesson my medication I won't want to increase it again, and do the execution of the painting while on Risperdal too. I would go off Geodone and Seroquil, go on a minimal dose of Risperdal, do the drawing, and then go back on the Geodone and Seroquil. You have three kings and a woman saint, all high royalty and all wearing clothing that is over the top,- fun, fun, fun. Not much, just some ways that clothing would be designed. Yesterday I went to church and again had more visions of details of this painting. I would like to be on Risperdal so that in this creative frame of mind, I could design the plan for my large scale Adoration of the Magi. I simply cannot draw today like I could when I was on Risperdal. I would like to switch my medication to the less effective anti-psychotic Risperdal, only a couple of milligrams, what I was on when I created some of my favorite, early drawings. This morning I contemplated going off medication for a different reason. Last night I had a dream where I went off medication. ![]()
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